What happened after he left

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    After my first failure of a relationship I just couldn’t go through the rest of my relationships the same, my first relationship I was young and i was dating the school’s playboy I’m not proud of it I was a very timid girl so when his exes told me to break up with him I was so scared I did it and it filled me with fear, my second relationship didn’t go well either we barely spoke to each other and whenever I spoke to him about my issues he’d brush it off and tell me to go talk to a therapist, that he didn’t care about it and wants to only focus on “happy things” he ended up almost cheating on me but I broke it all off because I felt so unhappy with him and I started to have panic attacks just being with him… my third relationship was great we lasted two months I felt really happy with him up until I had issues in my life and I didn’t want to bother him so I only focused on “happy things” with him it was ok, I was happy we were together.. eventually I decided to beak up with him because I knew he had issues in his life even though he didn’t speak about it i knew he was hurting, he was young but he had to eventually be the man in his family he was very stressed and the fact he had to travel to just be with me. I didn’t want to bother him with the stress of maintaining a relationship it became horrible for my mental health tho I didn’t know how much I depended on him before it was too late my life went downhill from there but I’m really good now. My last and most recent relationship was a mess I like him and he liked me but it was scary for me I had panic attacks again I felt like he wasn’t right for me or that I couldn’t do this many negative thoughts were filling my head and whenever my friends would talk about him to me I would smile but I felt like crying I don’t know why but I felt horrible being with him but when I broke up with him I couldn’t help but still want him even though it hurt me and I didn’t understand why it gave me so many panic attacks and made my heart hurt but it just made me feel so sad I felt like I should be with him despite my relationship issues we tried again many times after that but there was no use eventually I let go after he broke my heart, a year I spent in heartbreak but I’m to this day I’m fine, I think I fear love, I might have commitment issues or relationship anxiety, I really want to overcome this because I want to have kids one day I don’t want to live like this..

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